Wednesday, August 10, 2016

Hi everyone.

I can't believe that I've only posted thrice this year. I'm very surprised by that. I had hoped that this would be the year I would post more frequently. However things don't always go as planned. And it's alright to take a break sometimes. To just take a moment,catch your breath and evaluate your situation. That's what I've been doing in the last few months. Believe me when I say it wasn't voluntary, but it was the best option at the time.

I'm here now, so lets play catch up. I'll start with my end, then you can tell me what you've been up to cause I've missed you all.

As many of you know, I started off my year very pregnant at 6 months. I'd managed to keep it a secret except from my family and loved ones but eventually I couldn't contain my excitement. You can refer to this post in case you missed it. Looking back now I had a pretty smooth pregnancy though I complained a lot all through. I did enjoy the kicks and the scans, I also had normal cravings though I ate loads of fries. I had very supportive people around me, and at no particular moment did I feel that my pregnancy was a burden to me or them. In fact I had all the love for my baby and so did my family.

Her dad was always very supportive, his family too. My mum was always worried, always teasing but still concerned. My younger sister was just concerned about the baby's gender and hoping the baby would be born on her birthday. My kid sister was always too kind whenever she was around, she even helped me with picking the 2nd name. My best friend was always there when I needed her, and she did so well with my surprise baby shower, thanks dear. I could mention everyone who made me smile all through the pregnancy but then the list would be too long, so to my friends, family and even strangers who were kind to me all through, thank you.

Funny enough,despite such a fun pregnancy...Ivy is not here with us. Hence the post title: Losing Ivy Marie.

This is a story of pain, loss, acceptance and strength that comes from God. Therefore it's going to be a long and raw one. You better get your favorite beverage and get comfortable.

APRIL 26th 2016: On the previous clinic some days before, I was given a kick chart to keep track of Ivy's movement/ kicks. All was well but on this Tuesday morning I couldn't feel her kicks and I panicked. The previous day on Monday, the same thing had happened but after a while she resumed her usual kicks. I made a casual comment about it and my Mom got very worried so she told me we'd go back to the clinic on Tuesday. When I woke up that Tuesday and couldn't feel her kicks, I took her words seriously and she accompanied me to the clinic. Along the way, just like that Ivy started kicking like nothing had happened but we proceeded to the hospital anyway. It was a public hospital hence it took us like 3 hours to go through the queues and get to the doctor. The Saturday before I'd felt like my water had broken but no one was taking me seriously, so I calmed down. Since she was kicking already at the clinic, my concern had shifted to whether I had silent labour. That was all I asked the doctor. Upon checking me, she assured me that I wasn't dilated yet. My mom on the other hand had her own concerns. She asked the doctor to request for a scan to ensure that the baby didn't have the cord around her neck. It was already 4 pm and we had to hurry since the scan doctor always had a long queue. By around 5 p.m it was our turn and the doctor did the scan and assured us that the baby was OK at '4.445 Kg' and no cord on her neck. So we both calmed down and I remember as we left my only concern was the baby's weight. I even jokingly asked mom, "what if she becomes obese in future. Her weight on the scan is huge", so we laughed about it and went home.

APRIL 27th 2016: I woke up at 11 am as was usual at the time. It was just me and my kid sister at home. I felt some pain but I dismissed it as the Braxton hicks. After having something to eat I went back to sleep. I woke up again later in the day with the same pains. So I texted her dad and told him that I was having some funny pains but I wasn't sure if it was labour. For some reason, on that day he took me a little more seriously and asked me if he should send me a taxi to the hospital. I had been panicking every so often since her due date passed on 13th April and I didn't want to worry him unnecessarily. So I told him that maybe I should observe the pains for one more hour them we can decide. Instead he asked me to talk to my Mom and clarify whether we should take the pains seriously. I monitored the pains keenly and felt that they were similar to my cramp pains. I told mom exactly that. Since she was on her way home, she told me to get ready and we could go to the hospital together. I put my kid sister to task, she helped me dress up and check the hospital bag to ensure I had everything necessary. Within no time mom had arrived and we left for the hospital.
We arrived at 7.30 pm and the doctor confirmed that I was in labour and would therefore be admitted. So I got comfortable as we waited for her dad to arrive and do the paper work. 
I remember he was both very confused and excited when he arrived, after all this was the day we had  been waiting for for 9 months, the day we would meet our daughter Ivy. 

8.45 PM: I was done eating my chicken and fries (my all time favorite throughout the pregnancy). Her dad and my mom wanted to stay but the doctor said it was against hospital policy. There was a moment of disappointment since we were under the impression that one or both of them could stay with me all through. After a while we said our good byes and the doctor took me to my bed in the labour ward. I was not even slightly prepared for how long that night would be.

9 PM: Since I was not in so much pain, I managed to drift in and out of sleep unlike some of the other ladies in the ward who were already deep into their labour. After a whole 6 hours, the nurse finally called me. That was around 3 a.m. My water was still very intact, so she pocked it with a needle and it broke. I always thought my water would break like it does in the movies, like maybe I'd be standing somewhere and suddenly it would gush out then I'd know that it was time. Shock on me, the nurse took the fun out of that. She had already checked my dilation but for some reason she felt that I didn't need to know how dilated I was,never mind that I kindly asked her and she said that I shouldn't worry about it. Instead, she gave me an IV fluid that quickens the labour process. Then she gave me these funny maternity pads. I'd been seeing the other ladies with them but now I knew what they were for. Shortly after she called me back  and asked that I show her my pad, it was already soaked in a green  fluid. I heard her ask one of her colleagues, " Si this is stage 1?"(isn't this stage 1), he said yes. I didn't know what that meant at the time but they meant that the baby was in stage 1 distress, going by the green color of the amniotic fluid that kept soaking my pad. When I went back to bed, I kept feeling the urge to pee but the moment I got up from the bed a brown fluid would just trickle down and onto the floor, everyone probably thought I was peeing on my self. This happened twice in a span of 10 minutes and I got very embarrassed. The nurse didn't seem bothered by it, in fact she just came, mopped it and left.
Before the IV, I hadn't realized that the ability to drift into sleep had been a luxury. The pain now became too much so I kept pacing through the labour ward and the maternity corridors with my drip, my sleep just disappeared.
At 4 am, the doctor who had admitted me passed by and I begged him to tell me my progress. Again he checked my dilation but like the nurse before, he decided to keep that information to himself. I tried my luck and requested him for a Ceaserian Section, I was already in so much pain and no one was telling me the progress I'd made which made me worried so I was ready for a CS. He asked me why. I told him that I was really tired. So he told me "Madam, I can't give you a CS just because you are tired." So I braced myself and found strength to go through the labour.

APRIL 28th 2016 - Fast forward to 7.45 AM: The night shift ended and the morning shift doctors& nurses came in. As the previous nurse handed over the files for each patient, I heard her mention that I was at 6.5 cm. I couldn't believe it. After all those hours that's the only progress I'd made? I was shocked. In that moment, all the strength I'd mastered just crumbled. I imagined that it would take me approximately another 8 hours to get to 10 cm. No way. But then, this was my first pregnancy and I was very ill prepared. I didn't know what to expect, I just went with the flow. Somehow I managed to keep going until the contractions became closer and the pain got very acute. By then I'd even taken off the IV. Some minutes past 8 am I couldn't bear it any more and I had this feeling that the baby was coming down. I told one of the nurses my concern and she didn't take me seriously, she just told me to go back to bed and wait for the doctor. I did exactly that but a few minutes later I just decided to look for the doctor myself. Luckily he wasn't so far away. I told him that I felt like the baby was coming down. So he checked my dilation again. In the process some of the brown fluid trickled out again. And I heard him shout something to his colleagues about Stage 3. I didn't know what he meant. In my mind I was just thinking about how I could get a CS. So I tried my luck with him. I asked him if he could please sign me up for a CS. I got a response that I didn't expect. He said, "Madam, this is not even about whether you want a CS or not. This is an emergency case, your baby is in distress." I won't lie to you that I completely understood what he said. So I asked him again about the CS, and he put it in much simpler terms that I needed to get ready for an emergency CS. I was worried about the baby and at the same time happy that I would be done in a short while. As I called her dad to tell him that I'd decided on a CS, I suddenly felt disappointed because coming in I had been hopeful that I would have a normal delivery. The chances of having a CS didn't seem so high to me and I felt like I'd given up the fight so easily.

The doctor walked me to the delivery room so the nurses there could prep me up for theater. I can't begin to tell you just how rude those nurses were. One of them was actually very bothered by my childish voice. In a rude way she told me that I was annoying her and that I should talk like a grown up. I wasn't in the mood to argue so I just kept quiet and answered her questions with nods. In the process of all this, since she was taking her sweet time to prep me up, the baby started coming down again. I was in so much pain by then and I couldn't keep quiet so I said what I was feeling, it was a sharp pain unlike the others. So, the doctor who went to check down there decided to just push her head back up. I actually felt it but didn't think too much about it, I was more focused on the CS, my finish line. Anyway it took them close to 30 minutes to prep me up, despite the doctor saying that it was an emergency. I had already picked out the baby's clothes and blankets and all other things she'd need when she got out of the theater. 

Anyway, I finally went to the theater around 9 am. The doctors there were so gentle. The nurse inserted the anesthesia and prepped me up on the table in less than 10 minutes, I was numb from my waist down and the pain just went away. The surgery doctors came in and in less than 5 minutes Ivy was out. She didn't cry. The room was so silent except for the doctors patching me up and the other two who were working on Ivy. I remember in that moment it actually hit me that she might not even be alive. So I looked at her very keenly, I noticed chest movements and her hands were also moving but very slightly and just like that I said to the doctor "Oh, she's breathing", that was all I needed. He noticed my fear and told me that she was breathing though she was very tired so they would take her to the nursery but she would be okay in a few hours and they would bring her to me. He told me it was a girl, though he suspected that I already knew that. He then weighed her and told me she was 3.7 Kg which wasn't as shocking as the 4.445 Kg on the scan and also not too bad for all the fries I'd been feeding her. My next concern was that someone would steal my baby so he took a pink name tag, wrote my name and her weight then showed me so I could confirm before putting it on her right leg. With that I was very calm and I was wheeled out to the recovery room.

Since I was numb from the waist down, there wasn't much I could do. The recovery room was full of ladies who had already delivered. The lady next to me was a familiar face since we had been in the labour ward together the previous night and she went to deliver before me. She had a baby boy by CS too. We talked for a short while then it was time for them to go to the another ward upstairs for women and babies. One by one they went and I was left alone. So I relaxed and went to sleep. I woke up a while later and reached for my phone. I called my grandmother, my cousin and my friend and told them the good news. I slept again. When I woke up, the janitor was cleaning the room and I asked him what I needed to do if I wanted to see my baby. He was so kind. He told me that the nursery was upstairs and I couldn't go up there in my state, but if there was someone around like family they could go see her. I already knew that her dad was in the vicinity though they couldn't see me before the visiting hours which was 2 hours away. So I told the janitor to kindly show Ivy's dad the nursery so he could see her. He told me to wait since he was a little busy, which I did. He left the room and I kept busy with my phone. After a short while Ivy's dad walked in and he had this beaming look and we had our moment of victory and pride that our little girl was here. The janitor came back  and I asked him to take Ivy's dad to the nursery. He was so kind, I'll forever be grateful to that man. It might have seemed like nothing but if it were not for him, Ivy's dad would not have seen her in the moments she was alive. And am grateful that he got that. 

I had no reason to worry so I slept again. When I woke up, it was some minutes past visiting hours (1 pm). I knew my mum was also around and knowing my family they should have been in the room already. So I called Ivy's dad and asked them if they had forgotten that it was visiting hours already. He just told me that he would call me back in a short while. I assumed that they were with the baby and couldn't talk much so I relaxed. Moments later my mom walked in. She asked me,"What happened?". I narrated the delivery ordeal to her and she said OK. She then took out her handkerchief, told me that she would be back and left the room. Minutes later, another doctor walked in and  this is the conversation we had.

DOCTOR: Linet, what happened?
ME: (narrates the delivery again)
DOCTOR:Now Linet, I don't have very good news.
ME:I assumed the worst and asked him "She didn't make it?". 
DOCTOR: No, she didn't make it.
ME: Whaaaaat? The doctors said she was very tired but she would be okay after staying in the nursery.
DOCTOR: They tried their best but she didn't make it.  

Then I saw her dad come through the door and one look at him ended my moment of shock and I just broke down. My mom came in and she tried to calm me down reminding me that I had a fresh wound that could get worse if I cried too much. I calmed down not because I wanted to but because I was still in shock and denial, plus I needed to think about my wound. 

After a while all the pieces started coming together and the hospital negligence became so clear to me. I remembered how the first nurse talked about Stage 1 and how my water was green then dark brown instead of clear. I know now that the color of the amniotic fluid showed that Ivy had already pooped in the amniotic fluid which she was still inhaling in there. The baby poops in the womb if they are there for too long and they have their first bowel movement in the amniotic fluid or if they are in distress like with the cord around their neck which affects their oxygen flow so their body reacts by releasing poop into the amniotic fluid. The pediatric who attended Ivy in the nursery later told me that she had inhaled too much fluid which made it hard for her to breath well. I remembered the 5 hours I laboured while begging for a CS, all the while my baby was in distress and I always wonder if things would be different if they had just signed me up for CS earlier.  

And just like that Ivy Marie was here, then she was gone like the wind. I never even got to hold her, smell her, feel her warmth or hear her cries. She never even got to wear the outfit I had picked out for her, they wouldn't let me dress her body. So all she got was a diaper and a name tag. And it breaks my heart that I didn't do more for her, that I didn't have more time with her. All the dreams and plans we had for her, all the love we had for her. Now she is the angel I carry in my heart always.

But despite it all I am grateful. I know now what loss means. A huge part of my future was grabbed and I'll always wonder who she would have been everyday. A little girl came into my life for just nine months yet she'll never know the huge mark she left. I know now that I have always been very blessed but I took so much for granted and I always look at the glass as half full rather than half empty. I didn't think I could cope but it has taken God's grace to find meaning in life again, that and some very good support systems around me which I'll always be thankful for.

This is for all the ladies/couples who have been through Pregnancy and Infant loss whether a miscarriage, a still birth or an infant loss. Be strong and take heart, know that it will get better with time. Everyone might not understand why we still mourn our children years later, or why we smile when someone says our child's name, or why we still hang on to the little things that remind us of our babies, or why even the smallest of things could make us cry anytime or anywhere. But know that all is well. As someone who is walking this path, I have hope that there are brighter days ahead. Just hang in there.

If you are in Kenya and you have been through child loss or you know someone who has, kindly refer them to STILL A MUM or WANJIRU KIHUSA (Founder at Still a Mum) and they can get help with their grief. 

That is all for today loves. I hope this post does help someone out there. For the society at large, especially in Africa, we need to stop stigmatizing women who have had miscarriages, still birth or child loss under the notion that they are bewitched or stuff like that. Pregnancies and child birth are not an easy task. So be kind to these women, because it already hurts them that they have lost a child, it doesn't help for the society to view them differently. Be there for them in whichever positive way you can. 

Have a blessed week, and may God bless you all.

Much love,


You Might Also Like


  1. Tears just trickled down my face as I read this Linet so I can't begin to understand what you've been through. Let go and Let God, may her spirit live on forever and always. Trust that there are brighter days ahead and glad you're surrounded by love and support all through. Lots of love and prayers from my side love.

    1. Thanks for reading and leaving a comment Aisha. I only know one Aisha and am hoping it's that one. Thanks love.

    2. Yeah, it sure is that one:)Anytime love

  2. I have felt so much pain reading this post. When will this carelessness end. Pole Linet and I pray that no one else has to go through this.

    1. Thank you Sarah.The best way to prevent this from happening again is by creating awareness on pregnancy and infant loss.
      You can do so via this link http://twibbon.com/support/baby-loss-awareness-7?fb_ref=Default

  3. I have felt so much pain reading this post. When will this carelessness end. Pole Linet and I pray that no one else has to go through this.

  4. If I could I would hug you mama... Be strong always and I'm glad you are back blogging.

    1. I think I'll come to claim that hug in person. Thanks dear.

  5. My heart bleeeds for you and your family Linet! This got me so emotional on another level. I can only imagibe how hard it has been for you who went through thid akone in the midst of these ignorance people who were supposed to help you. When will this stop for crying out loud? I admire your courage and strength hun and as much as i know that things will never be the same again, i'm glad you have found it in your heart to confront this big tragedy and to get help cos thats the first step to healing! Hold on there babe... You are jn my prayers...

    1. The thing that hurt me most is how rude the staff were and how naive I was too. But that's in the past now. By God's grace, I have come a long way.
      Thank you so much for the kind words Milly. Blessings to you and your family.

    2. This breaks my heart ... because what's the point of Doctors and nurses if not for bridging the gap aiih am so heart broken and as a student nurse though not in Kenya l am sorry ...!

  6. Dear Linet, I cried reading your post...My sincere condolences to you and your family! I cannot even imagine loosing a newborn child. I heard about babies pooping in the amniotic fluid which is indeed very dangerous. I am sending you many prayers, my friend! God is your best friend -- he will heal you during this difficult time!
    xoxo, Vanessa

    1. Thanks Vanessa.
      Truly, God has seen me through the last five months and am better now. Though I hope other women don't fall prey to such negligence.
      Be blessed.

  7. words fail me...i am touched, i held back tears even before i started reading this post. you are a strong woman.

    1. By God's grace I have managed to find some strength.Thank you for stopping by love.

  8. I am in tears. Sending hugs and love Linet my love. That must be excruciatingly painful. I don't understand why they didn't tell you how dilated you were, VERY WRONG. I labored 24 hours for my twins and dilated you'd never believe it - 1cm! The staff that took care of you was very negligent and I'd say sue them but it would be a waste of time. Very sad and unprofessional. My last baby imbibed meconium too, they gave me a c section and she had to be in intensive care for almost a week. But she stayed alert and I kept talking to her and telling her to keep fighting, that she'd be just fine. She pulled through. I'm so sorry Ivy didn't. I'm so so sorry. No woman should have to go through this. I'm sending up prayers for healing, for you and your hubby. Chin up buttercup, it is well.


    1. Idu,despite the sad vibes that came with this post you have managed to make me laugh somewhat. Yes, I'd never believe it..1cm after 24 hours,that must have been torture. But am sure it was all worth it when you saw your babies and bringing them up now.
      So glad you dropped by dear.
      Wishing you all the best with your family.

  9. Words fails me. I am so sorry for your loss and I hope something can be done about the negligence at that hospital so this does not happen to another woman. You are strong and she will live on in you and your families' hearts. God bless you all.

    1. Hopefully so. No woman should go through such in this era.
      She lives on in so many ways. Thanks For stopping by dear, I appreciate the kind words.

  10. This is so sad no woman should have to go through this, my condolences.

    New Post
    5 dreamy etsy silver jewelry shops

  11. This is so sad, I cant even imagine your pain right now. I pray you find the strength to keep going...xxxx


    1. Thanks Ifunanya. God has truly been my strength.

  12. Been balancing tears over hear as I read through.You have been brave,so brave, fought the good fight and overcame.I can't imagine what you have been through but one thing that resonates clearly is that you are stronger than you thought.So proud of you darling and I can't wait for more inspiration

  13. I feel your pain mama, the Lord is the only comfort. The memories last forever, you can't help but count how many days, weeks, months and years they would have turned each day. The imagination of whom between the 2 parents they would have resembled more, the imagination of how they would have looked in every pretty out-fit you see whenever you go shopping.The tears may never dry away but the Lord will always comfort and strengthen.I have been there and experienced, all I can tell you; the Lord is a sure comforter, be strong.